Well, after two and half rather challenging months I feel I am back and ready for anything. My mind is currently in a very positive state and I don’t plan on having it any other way right now and despite recent tests of strength, I have had a phenomenal two weeks.
Without going into the gory details, I very sadly and suddenly lost my job in late October, now for any other go-getting 19 year old this probably would have been a chance to get up, move on and find a new and exciting challenge and although I did find my way eventually, I must have taken every detour road on the way. At first I thought “its fine, I’ll just look for a new job.” Unfortunately that soon turned into “this is actually pretty damn tough” and eventually plummeted into “you know what? I give up, I’m not good enough, I’m too young, I don’t have enough experience” and so on and so forth. There would be days where my mam and dad would give pep talk after pep talk and I would briefly feel more positive but, any positivity soon found its way back into the walking swirly vortex of doom that I had become.
The days had become painfully long and lonely, I would spend hours trawling through job site after job site, going through the application then finding out at the end that I had already applied for it and I would constantly see “must have a full clean driving license”, must have this and must have that. Utterly soul destroying really. Interviews would come and interviews would go and all of them ended in that dreaded ‘sorry you weren’t good enough’ call. I think that I had somehow managed to find the lowest and saddest part of myself, crawled inside and locked the door. People were making desperate attempts to reassure me that something was on its way and that things would turn around but, selfishly I remained in the cubby hole within my mind. Over the Christmas period I had realised how exhausting it must have been for particular people to be constantly trying to keep me chipper and positive so over Christmas I stopped looking for a job, I stopped worrying and stressing about it all and for about a week or so I simply enjoyed time with my family.
When January 5th arrived, I felt somewhat refreshed and once again ready to tackle unemployment but, with that burden my driving test was also hurtling towards me. I had 8 days to prepare myself for it, I think everyone was aware that passing my test would change my life in a vast amount of ways so, yeah – the pressure was on. Two days later, I had an interview and I guess someone, somewhere had decided I’d been through enough because the day after I received a call with a job offer. Elated, I started work on the following Monday and had my test on the Tuesday. I left the house Tuesday morning for my pre-test lesson and nerves were really starting to kick in. I tried to brush it off but, I think it was glaringly obvious to my instructor and the examiner. Things started off well but I was becoming increasingly aware of the small and very stupid mistakes I was making, about 30 minutes in I remember waiting at some traffic lights and shaking my head in annoyance at myself. Arriving back at the test centre there was a long, dead silence and I could feel the door on that dark place inside myself opening and dragging me back in. As I put my head in my hands the examiner turned to me and calmly spoke “well I’m pleased to tell you that you have passed”. I don’t think that there are words to describe how I felt in that very moment, everything I was trying to achieve had happened within the space of a week.
I feel a great sense of personal achievement now and to top it all off, I drove my gorgeous little Renault Twingo home from a garage in Sunderland yesterday morning. I literally don’t think I could be happier right now, my mam told me that everything I needed was just around the corner… and she was right.